oK, so I'm awake. Here I am again at 4 in the morning. This morning my cat wouldn't rest until I was up and fully angrily awake. pleasant.
This is an interesting transition to say the least. Half the time I feel like I"m on drugs, like I'm not all here and am having trouble concentrating. Everything looks different, lighter - more full of light. My head has been hurting slightly and I have this damn cut in my cheek that has been serving to slowly drive me insane, along with all the absolutely crazy extraterrestrial, pleadian, nibiruan, enlightenment information that's just gotta be real and true but makes me feel like I'm losing my mind. It's overwhelming and too much too fast - I'm already missing my old paradigm where it's comfortable and predictable. I know without a doubt that it's happening - I'm being filled with more energy, more information, I'm waking up and although I want it more than anything, it's painful and it hurts and it's scary and I just want to sleep. I need quiet and solitude and peace and not much outer stimulation. I need hibernation.
I lived the most synchronistic day yet on Sunday. It was beautiful and amazing and wonderful and then yesterday had the worst day in a long time. I'm realizing I just need to really take it slow and easy on myself - release the pressures and I see the imperative value of no stress or worry - I physically see how powerfully damaging that is. I'm learning to release that.
I've gotta do some stretches, my neck hurts.
Rest. Relaxation. Pampering. Deep sleep. Love. Cuddling. True expression. Truth. xo
Tuesday, February 22, 2011
Friday, February 18, 2011
4:50am
I don't want to be doing this right now. It's the middle of the night and I have the flu, I'm exhausted and feel like shit. But I can't sleep and this seems like the only way I can get any relief.
I'm lying in bed, fantasizing about directing the scenes from Breaking Bad from our spec script. I know that they are brilliant and can see how amazing it would be to see those scenes come to life. I'm having ideas of how I would direct Skylar in the kitchen scene when she discovers her birthday cake. It can be so powerful and amazing. I am beginning to accept that this is my path. I am embracing it, scary as it can seem, but I can't imagine doing anything else. It would be too hard for me to not do this - it feels like death to me.
I fully embrace this role. I am scared but ready to accept the role of birthing the "Waking Up" documentary that Dustin came up with today. I know it is for us to do. I will do it. I am committed to walking in that direction. I will do what is in my power to do, I am saying yes. Come forth and be birthed through me, I am ready.
I feel worried and obsessed about Lira and Annie's relationship. What do I do? Does she need to go? I do not want Lira's face scratched any more. I don't want to deal with this kind of thing, what is it? What is the lesson here? I want harmony and peace and love in our family. Do I feel that what I truly want, what is good for me will be bad for Lira? Is this a reflection of that? I am so proud of her, I love her so much and at this time in the morning I feel powerless and just done. I feel like I can barely muster up the energy to bathe, let alone make this kind of important decision. Am I being selfish in wanting to keep the cat? Idealistic? Or is there a greater picture here? I'm done thinking about this.
I feel like I'm shutting down to the outside world, not in a bad way, more like a caterpillar in it's cocoon. My body feels like jelly and I know an enormous transformation is occurring. I am very grateful for this and I fully accept it. I am grateful for the flu, for it forces me to comply. I cannot do anything else but yield to whatever is happening inside of me. Maybe after this I won't need to give birth to another child. Maybe this is my second chance to give birth and enjoy it. I release and I let go, literally. As shitty as I feel right now, inside I am so happy and grateful for this moment - this opportunity. I know something greater is a work right now. I am trusting and accepting.
In love and light,
~ Leigh
I'm lying in bed, fantasizing about directing the scenes from Breaking Bad from our spec script. I know that they are brilliant and can see how amazing it would be to see those scenes come to life. I'm having ideas of how I would direct Skylar in the kitchen scene when she discovers her birthday cake. It can be so powerful and amazing. I am beginning to accept that this is my path. I am embracing it, scary as it can seem, but I can't imagine doing anything else. It would be too hard for me to not do this - it feels like death to me.
I fully embrace this role. I am scared but ready to accept the role of birthing the "Waking Up" documentary that Dustin came up with today. I know it is for us to do. I will do it. I am committed to walking in that direction. I will do what is in my power to do, I am saying yes. Come forth and be birthed through me, I am ready.
I feel worried and obsessed about Lira and Annie's relationship. What do I do? Does she need to go? I do not want Lira's face scratched any more. I don't want to deal with this kind of thing, what is it? What is the lesson here? I want harmony and peace and love in our family. Do I feel that what I truly want, what is good for me will be bad for Lira? Is this a reflection of that? I am so proud of her, I love her so much and at this time in the morning I feel powerless and just done. I feel like I can barely muster up the energy to bathe, let alone make this kind of important decision. Am I being selfish in wanting to keep the cat? Idealistic? Or is there a greater picture here? I'm done thinking about this.
I feel like I'm shutting down to the outside world, not in a bad way, more like a caterpillar in it's cocoon. My body feels like jelly and I know an enormous transformation is occurring. I am very grateful for this and I fully accept it. I am grateful for the flu, for it forces me to comply. I cannot do anything else but yield to whatever is happening inside of me. Maybe after this I won't need to give birth to another child. Maybe this is my second chance to give birth and enjoy it. I release and I let go, literally. As shitty as I feel right now, inside I am so happy and grateful for this moment - this opportunity. I know something greater is a work right now. I am trusting and accepting.
In love and light,
~ Leigh
Tuesday, February 15, 2011
A Homeowner
So I just had this epiphany that a reason that I've been struggling financially is because I have this believe that I'm not worthy or experienced or too young and naive to be a homeowner. I feel like everyone here is "responsible" and I'm just a fraud soon to be found out - "Aw, she thought she was adult, too. How cute." As I foreclose on down the line with the rest of the un-responsibles.
That's also why I created neighbors downstairs who "make me feel" uncomfortable in my own home, like I can't get comfortable and actually feel "home" without being a bother to someone else. Living life "wrong" basically.
Wow. Lots of heavy stuff here.
When I was gone this afternoon our next door neighbors cat just reflected the same experience back to me. She snuck in the balcony door and attacked Annie while she was eating. Now Annie's full of anxiety and terrified to go outside. Hmmm, sounds familiar.
So I held her at the door looking out. Then I held her on the balcony and showed her the world beyond the balcony. I showed her what she had to look forward to and got her in the zone of watching the goings-on of our garden, all the people who come and go, all the while holding her and making her feel safe. Otherwise, the next time she went outside, all she'd do is worry that something scary is out that that's going to attack her as soon as she lets her guard down. WOW - even more familiar.
Annie's still sitting here looking nervously outside, but I'm going to teach her that Casey is nothing to be afraid of. Casey is the hugest scaredy cat and only attacks because she's scared. As soon as I Annie sees how Casey acts when I'm around, will show her that I'm dominant and that I'm in charge. Kind of like the alpha cat.
OK, off to work on some pictures
Love and blessings,
xoxo ~ Leigh
That's also why I created neighbors downstairs who "make me feel" uncomfortable in my own home, like I can't get comfortable and actually feel "home" without being a bother to someone else. Living life "wrong" basically.
Wow. Lots of heavy stuff here.
When I was gone this afternoon our next door neighbors cat just reflected the same experience back to me. She snuck in the balcony door and attacked Annie while she was eating. Now Annie's full of anxiety and terrified to go outside. Hmmm, sounds familiar.
So I held her at the door looking out. Then I held her on the balcony and showed her the world beyond the balcony. I showed her what she had to look forward to and got her in the zone of watching the goings-on of our garden, all the people who come and go, all the while holding her and making her feel safe. Otherwise, the next time she went outside, all she'd do is worry that something scary is out that that's going to attack her as soon as she lets her guard down. WOW - even more familiar.
Annie's still sitting here looking nervously outside, but I'm going to teach her that Casey is nothing to be afraid of. Casey is the hugest scaredy cat and only attacks because she's scared. As soon as I Annie sees how Casey acts when I'm around, will show her that I'm dominant and that I'm in charge. Kind of like the alpha cat.
OK, off to work on some pictures
Love and blessings,
xoxo ~ Leigh
Friday, May 14, 2010
The River
I just read a poem written by Rev. Dr. Michael Bernard Beckwith titled "The River". It gave me a great visual to understand how God can be in the past, present and future at the same time. Just as a river is where it starts, where it ends and everywhere in between, all at once - so is God.
It spoke of jumping into the river and surrendering, for it knows where you are going even though you do not. I really like that analogy - it helps me to have visuals that I can use when I am in need of peace or of surrender or of whatever. When I channel I see images which I then explain. That way of receiving information is so "me" it feels fantastic to realize it!
It's been a tough couple of days. I've been wanting to document my spiritual journey so I think it's about time I get started. This is a place for me to record, explore, share, vomit, move through, celebrate and practice so there will be no pressure to post, no pressure to do anything "right". It is all wonderful and exciting.
So, the veil weighed heavily on me the past couple days. All the spiritual growth I have experienced these past few months seemed to disappear from view and I felt panicked, anxious and stressed. But also aware...and observant. I spent the day at the beach with my darling daughter and I feel refreshed. Water has been calling to me very strongly - the lake at Balboa is beautiful and serene. I imagined it as a docking station of pure positive energy for all to sit and recharge. Like I felt I was a gas pump or charging station for that obese man at the Arclight when we saw Alice In Wonderland. I was radiating such pure positive energy and he came and sat next to me, breathing heavily with such raspy breath, so I imagined myself as a charging station and him as a low battery. I directed the power of health and wholeness and positivity into him.
And I remember the boy with Down's Syndrome who walked by Dustin and I and he looked directly at us with a huge smile that said "Isn't this incredible?" and I knew exactly what he was thinking about. Life is an infinitely enormous playground full of fantastic surprises and beauty and as that boy saw us sitting there he knew that we knew it too. His expression was like a secret handshake.
On that note, I don't want to wallow in the crap I am emerging out of, but I do want to say this: in my Foundations 2 class at Agape, Rev. John Elliott gave us a visual on Monday that speaks to what I am going through. Imagine a tall building with many floors. I am on a floor somewhere in the middle. Having come thus far, I have broken through many floors to get to the one I am on and it has been feeling great for a while. But all of a sudden it feels as though I am back to the first floor, or even the basement. How could this happen?! How could I have gone backwards???
Well, what feels like the basement is only the bottom of the next floor above me. I am growing, pushing through to the next level, and sometimes it can really feel like crap. But as long as I am aware that the pain is good - that it actually is a sign of tremendous growth and expansion, I can relax into it a little and not be too hard on myself. And that, for me, is great news!
OK, off to watch some Real Time with Bill Maher, for as long as he is funny and not too negative. :)
Here's to infinite growth, infinite expansion and infinite celebration!
xoxo
It spoke of jumping into the river and surrendering, for it knows where you are going even though you do not. I really like that analogy - it helps me to have visuals that I can use when I am in need of peace or of surrender or of whatever. When I channel I see images which I then explain. That way of receiving information is so "me" it feels fantastic to realize it!
It's been a tough couple of days. I've been wanting to document my spiritual journey so I think it's about time I get started. This is a place for me to record, explore, share, vomit, move through, celebrate and practice so there will be no pressure to post, no pressure to do anything "right". It is all wonderful and exciting.
So, the veil weighed heavily on me the past couple days. All the spiritual growth I have experienced these past few months seemed to disappear from view and I felt panicked, anxious and stressed. But also aware...and observant. I spent the day at the beach with my darling daughter and I feel refreshed. Water has been calling to me very strongly - the lake at Balboa is beautiful and serene. I imagined it as a docking station of pure positive energy for all to sit and recharge. Like I felt I was a gas pump or charging station for that obese man at the Arclight when we saw Alice In Wonderland. I was radiating such pure positive energy and he came and sat next to me, breathing heavily with such raspy breath, so I imagined myself as a charging station and him as a low battery. I directed the power of health and wholeness and positivity into him.
And I remember the boy with Down's Syndrome who walked by Dustin and I and he looked directly at us with a huge smile that said "Isn't this incredible?" and I knew exactly what he was thinking about. Life is an infinitely enormous playground full of fantastic surprises and beauty and as that boy saw us sitting there he knew that we knew it too. His expression was like a secret handshake.
On that note, I don't want to wallow in the crap I am emerging out of, but I do want to say this: in my Foundations 2 class at Agape, Rev. John Elliott gave us a visual on Monday that speaks to what I am going through. Imagine a tall building with many floors. I am on a floor somewhere in the middle. Having come thus far, I have broken through many floors to get to the one I am on and it has been feeling great for a while. But all of a sudden it feels as though I am back to the first floor, or even the basement. How could this happen?! How could I have gone backwards???
Well, what feels like the basement is only the bottom of the next floor above me. I am growing, pushing through to the next level, and sometimes it can really feel like crap. But as long as I am aware that the pain is good - that it actually is a sign of tremendous growth and expansion, I can relax into it a little and not be too hard on myself. And that, for me, is great news!
OK, off to watch some Real Time with Bill Maher, for as long as he is funny and not too negative. :)
Here's to infinite growth, infinite expansion and infinite celebration!
xoxo
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